I have this habit of penting up everything I have on my mind. Even though I have so many places such as this to vent I never really can make myself say what exactly is on my mind. It's some weird issue I have, that if I write it down, all those fears become reality. That is to say that I can no longer be in denial of it anymore if it's staring back at me in black and white. Almost everytime I open up a 'new post' and start writing...I end up just closing the browser without saving it.
I feel like nothing is sacred in this world anymore. Nothing seems pure. And that's fine. What will be will be. I've always been the type to try to just go with the flow as best as I can. Whenever something stops me from doing that I tend to shut down. I stop moving. I become stagnant. It takes a lot of effort that goes way beyond my own willpower to pull myself out of those ruts. And yet, at the heart of the matter I always find that it's I who am sabotaging myself. It's as if some internal turmoil doesn't want me to move forward. I feel like I'm tethered to a moment and no matter how hard I struggle I keep being snapped back into place by that invisible rope.
Lately I've meditating on the issues of existentialism, and pre-existentialism, and on consciousness. I start by thinking back as far as I can. My first memory. I don't even know if it's a memory or a dream. I remember it like an old movie: black and white, hazy, no sound. and what do i remember past this? I feel like my mind is hitting an invisible wall. So I try moving in the opposite direction. To the present. I try to "remember" what happens next. That is trying to feel out the edges of cognition. What exactly stops experience from the fringe of the future from influencing the past? That is why can't we remember things that haven't happened yet? precognition. I figure it's the same whether you're trying to see what hasn't happened yet and what happened before you're born. As a human I can barely fathom the possibilities of nonexperience. It's like a fog that stops me from seeing down a road. What if there was a way to break that wall and that time was not progressive as how we experience but rather as one confined 'moment' of existence that happens all at the exact same instant? This would imply that memory and life as a whole is really just a fragment of a whole. As soon as we experience something it becomes memory stored and filed away in our lives. and when we die those memories disappear? it just seems off to not be able to experience things anymore that all our memories are wiped clean like a broken hdd. But we experience memory loss everyday. Small things, here and there. Over time the details of events fade. Dissipates. Almost as if our lives are being absorbed by the universe one second at a time. Our imprint on the world is insignificant but at the same time necessary. I feel like living defines living and that the only purposeful way to live is inherent in the meaning of life. It maybe simple but the best way to live life is to be alive. There's no right or wrong way about it. Some argue about evil being present in the world but I firmly believe that good or evil are just human projections of morality on an otherwise chaotic meaningless existence. We can feel hurt, wronged, injustice, unfairness but these are simply fabrications of human survival to instill order and control. The world is a wild place and the more order we try to put in this world the higher the proclivity for a person to feel wronged. we can only feel wronged in relation to what we define is right. Environmental learning. our prerogative is to put our own frame of reference based on prior experience, our world view, and define our environment and events in our life based on that learned morality. i'm not saying it's ok to go out and shank someone for no reason at all or burglarize a home on a whim. but outside of human existence, our choices can only affect our own reality. reality is what we make of it.
im done thinking for now.
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