a small note on crime

I've been watching some mystery crime dramas lately.  Take your pick at which one.  They seem to be all over the place now.  NCIS, CSI, Dexter can even be classified as a mystery crime thriller drama, and the list goes on.  All though those all more or less pertain to severe crimes such as murder they sometimes have elements of lesser crimes or false accusations that go on permanent records.  Stuff that ruins people's careers.  When I was much younger I was arrested for the exploration of an abandoned warehouse near my cousin's house.  It was a brutal traumatizing experience to say the least.  I've always been curious and I've been known to take risks whether it be exploring an abandoned building, playing with fire, climbing, jumping off 60ft bridges into a reservoir of water, I've always liked adventure.  Well we got this idea to explore an old warehouse that was under much disrepair.  We went a few times because exploring a dark building filled with rust and decay and dust looking like it was just evacuated suddenly was fun.  We saw sets of keys, desks that have crumpled under their own weight, yellowed time cards and calendars from years long since past.  It was like being on an archaeological dig and looking for answers to who was there, what did they do in there, etc.  One time however a man was driving his truck and tried to run us over when he saw us near the building.  He cornered us (mostly because of my party was young and was far from in shape).  He got out of his truck with a steel baseball bat and threatened to beat us to death and leave us there or call the cops.  The first people he called however were his friends who showed up.  I was under the impression that we had walked in on some kind of drug deal and was terrified.  He called the police and his friends disappeared and hid his bat under his seat.  Five squad cars came.  My phone rang when six police officers were slamming my face into wet glass covered asphalt.  They never read me any rights but instead proceeded to search me by pulling my arm out of my socket and sticking a finger in my mouth almost tearing a hole through my cheek.  I tasted blood.  One of them shoved his hand into my pants and boxers to presumably search for a weapon.  But I've never heard of someone concealing a weapon inside their genitals before.  I overheard that man that had threatened us give a bogus statement.  When we were giving our statements it conflicted with his.  He denied calling his friends, threatening us with a steel bat, trying to run us over, and probably a couple other things that I forgot about over time.  Several months later we got off with nothing.  There was no one who could press charges because no one, not even the city or state, owned the property.  They tried to charge us with a misdemeanor but nothing stuck because we didn't do anything wrong.  And if it was a misdemeanor that was what we were arrested for, I don't quite see the connection with the unnecessary police brutality in taking us in.  It was at this point that I started to question 'authority' and who defines what is just.  So always in the back of my mind there's this darkness that causes me to be cynical towards other.  I've never felt so violated before.  People that we're meant to trust our lives with and 'serve and protect' us were the ones attacking us.  After something like that, how can you trust the judicial system and the choices they make.  As I was saying,  I was thinking of a hypothetical situation where I was arrested and charged with something and tried as an adult.  The charge sticking and going on my permanent record.  The impact of such a marred record regardless if the defendant was innocent or not always will stay with them making life progressively harder.  Getting a job, asking for a loan, buying a house, everything would be tainted by that thing on the record.  I was thinking that with such a way of processing things, any way of redemption through means of respectable employment etc would be highly improbable.  I have a feeling that this would perpetuate the level of crime in the country.  I could easily visualize someone committing a crime out of desperation to survive.  Wouldn't it make sense then for someone to act against the system of law that put them in such a situation that one of the only viable means to maintain dignity and their humanity is to embrace the darkness and commit acts of what perceive as villainy.

A world gone wild

I have this habit of penting up everything I have on my mind.  Even though I have so many places such as this to vent I never really can make myself say what exactly is on my mind.  It's some weird issue I have, that if I write it down, all those fears become reality.  That is to say that I can no longer be in denial of it anymore if it's staring back at me in black and white.  Almost everytime I open up a 'new post' and start writing...I end up just closing the browser without saving it.

I feel like nothing is sacred in this world anymore.  Nothing seems pure.  And that's fine.  What will be will be.  I've always been the type to try to just go with the flow as best as I can.  Whenever something stops me from doing that I tend to shut down.   I stop moving.  I become stagnant.  It takes a  lot of effort that goes way beyond my own willpower to pull myself out of those ruts.  And yet, at the heart of the matter I always find that it's I who am sabotaging myself.  It's as if some internal turmoil doesn't want me to move forward.  I feel like I'm tethered to a moment and no matter how hard I struggle I keep being snapped back into place by that invisible rope.

Lately I've meditating on the issues of existentialism, and pre-existentialism, and on consciousness.  I start by thinking back as far as I can.  My first memory.  I don't even know if it's a memory or a dream.  I remember it like an old movie:  black and white, hazy, no sound.  and what do i remember past this?  I feel like my mind is hitting an invisible wall.  So I try moving in the opposite direction.  To the present.  I try to "remember" what happens next.  That is trying to feel out the edges of cognition.  What exactly stops experience from the fringe of the future from influencing the past?  That is why can't we remember things that haven't happened yet?  precognition.  I figure it's the same whether you're trying to see what hasn't happened yet and what happened before you're born.  As a human I can barely fathom the possibilities of nonexperience.  It's like a fog that stops me from seeing down a road.  What if there was a way to break that wall and that time was not progressive as how we experience but rather as one confined 'moment' of existence that happens all at the exact same instant?  This would imply that memory and life as a whole is really just a fragment of a whole.  As soon as we experience something it becomes memory stored and filed away in our lives. and when we die those memories disappear?  it just seems off to not be able to experience things anymore that all our memories are wiped clean like a broken hdd.  But we experience memory loss everyday.  Small things, here and there.  Over time the details of events fade.  Dissipates.  Almost as if our lives are being absorbed by the universe one second at a time.  Our imprint on the world is insignificant but at the same time necessary.  I feel like living defines living and that the only purposeful way to live is inherent in the meaning of life.  It maybe simple but the best way to live life is to be alive.  There's no right or wrong way about it.  Some argue about evil being present in the world but I firmly believe that good or evil are just human projections of morality on an otherwise chaotic meaningless existence.  We can feel hurt, wronged, injustice, unfairness but these are simply fabrications of human survival to instill order and control.  The world is a wild place and the more order we try to put in this world the higher the proclivity for a person to feel wronged.  we can only feel wronged in relation to what we define is right.  Environmental learning.  our prerogative is to put our own frame of reference based on prior experience, our world view, and define our environment and events in our life based on that learned morality.  i'm not saying it's ok to go out and shank someone for no reason at all or burglarize a home on a whim.  but outside of human existence, our choices can only affect our own reality.  reality is what we make of it.

im done thinking for now.

Another Addition Another Addiction Another Edition

Well this will be my third(?), fourth perhaps, open blog posting site I've tried.  I have a couple of Opendiary accounts; I used to have livejournal, xanga, and the occasional blog post on Myspace.  I will be honest.  I don't know how often I'll use this account to pollute the interwebz with more of my rambling needless rants.  But for now...I'll give it a chance.

A quick run-down:  Dated a girl close to 4 years, broke up in october last year, started to do poorly in school, started to improve...but still couldn't finish my thesis (well I did...they just didn't like it so i have to edit it),  walked with my classmates...but I won't officially matriculate until after my curriculum obligations are met, had to take an extra semester, started actually participating to the full extent of my abilities and doing really well,  started dating L about a few weeks ago, and minus a few excerpts here and there that's where my life stands.

After I graduate I plan on getting a job back home in the 'Cuse so I can save up for two things:  A car, and a Eurotrip in the summer with my cousin and a couple of friends potentially.  In the scheme of things, I want to end up as a teacher (Why?  Only God knows.).  I also thoroughly enjoy writing.  Fiction mostly.  But I dabble into poetry every now and then.  Coincidentally enough, poetry is what my thesis was in...I am much more partial to fiction as I've learned of late.  I would have been better off going with what I wanted to do in the first place instead of trying to broaden my writing style...Though, in all honesty...once everything is said and done, I believe my writing ability will be substantially improved after this endeavor.

Recently I informed my mother that I partake in the occasional use of the famous recreational herb that mellows people out.  She told me not to do anything stupid like get in trouble for it.  In a hypothetical question I asked my mom if she would ever smoke with me.  She said she would say yes.  Well ain't that some shit.  I got a kick out of it.  Whether or not she will only time will tell.  Ironically...I wouldn't go so far as to "thank" my new habit...but I have noticed a significant improvement in my capacity of motivation to get shit done.  Which is phenomenal.  Somehow I've managed to balance work and play.  Essentially I can have my cake and eat it too.

I've fought long and hard in order to move myself past procrastination and enter into the realm of assertiveness.  I don't know why, but trying to change yourself for the better, to improve yourself, it was extremely difficult and I don't think I'm out of the woods yet.  But for now I am quite content where life has taken me...where I've taken myself.  I'm rolling with the waves and going with the flow, but I'm still in control. Well as much as I like to brag that I've gotten to the point where I'm accomplishing my goals...I'm still putting off writing the next installment in my semester long project of producing a long narrative...I suppose I will suck it up now and start to work on it.  Peace and Love homies.